List of Characters:
Piano:
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory,
harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt.
They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often
don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home
after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special
love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano
player during a break, he will condescend.
Bass:
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms
with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing.
During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings
hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with
paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If
you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able
to tell whether or not he's listening.
Drums:
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always
extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world,
or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy
because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from
the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly
successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly
excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to
talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to
sneak up on him.
Saxophone:
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage.
Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know
all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a
mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos,
which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop.
They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying
to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments,
forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist
during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.
Trumpet:
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger.
They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are
very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on
their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare
them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether
they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you
may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are:
play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one
who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player
during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is
Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.
Guitar:
Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want
to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest,
they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot,
and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they
can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by
playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the
higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder,
and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly,
the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer
the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks
his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist
struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during
the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old
sister.
Vocals:
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods.
They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for
suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously.
Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical
theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes
her singing as "...jazzy." Viola! A star is born!
Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime,"
and "Route 66." Her training complete,
she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee
from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain
feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try
to seduce you—and the rest of the audience—by making
eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you
between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your
distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during
their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during
a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."
Trombone:
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality.
"Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range,
"Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists
like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable
and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet
in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk
around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate
trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this
disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn
faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because
nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during
a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance,
or offer to mow your lawn.
Picking the Tune
Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick a new one. That's
a fundamental concept that, unfortunately, runs at odds with
jazz group processes. Tune selection makes a huge difference
to the musicians. They love to show off on tunes that feel comfortable,
and they tremble at the threat of the unknown. But to pick a
tune is to invite close scrutiny: "So this is how you sound
at your best. Hmm..." It's a complex issue with unpredictable
outcomes. Sometimes no one wants to pick a tune, and sometimes
everyone wants to pick a tune. The resulting disagreements lead
to faction-building and _ under extreme conditions _ even impromptu
elections. The politics of tune selection makes for some of
the session's best entertainment.
- Example 1:
No one wants to pick a tune (previous tune ends) (silence)
trumpet player: "What the f#@*? Is someone gonna to pick
a tune?" (silence) trumpet player: "This s%!* is
lame. I'm outa here." (Storms out of room, forgetting
to pay tab). rest of band (in unison): "Yes!!!"
(Band takes extended break, puts drinks on trumpet player's
tab).
- Example 2:
Everyone wants to pick a tune, resulting in impromptu election
and eventual tune selection (previous tune ends) (pianist
and guitarist simultaneously): "Beautiful Love!"/"Donna
Lee!" guitarist to pianist: "You just want to play
your fat, stupid ten-note chords!" pianist to guitarist:
"You just want to play a lot of notes really fast!"
saxophonist: "'Giant Steps'." (a treacherous Coltrane
tune practiced obsessively by saxophonists.) guitarist and
pianist (together): "Go ahead, asshole." trumpet
player: "This shit is lame. 'Night in Tunisia'."
(a Dizzy Gillespie tune offering bounteous opportunities for
loud, high playing.) saxophonist: "Sorry, forgot my earplugs,
Maynard." (long, awkward silence) pianist, guitarist,
saxophonist, trumpet player all turn to drummer: "Your
turn, Skinhead." (drummer pauses to think of hardest
possible tune; a time-tested drummer ploy to punish real musicians
who play actual notes.) drummer: "Stablemates."
trumpet player: F#@* this! I'm outta here." (Storms out
of room. Bartender chases after him.) ("Stablemates")
trombonist: "Did someone forget to turn off the CD player?"
Not only are these disagreements fun to watch; they create
tensions that will last all through the night. (As an educated
audience member, you might want to keep a flow chart diagramming
the shifting alliances. You can also keep statistics on individual
tune-calling. Under no circumstances, though, should you take
sides or yell out song titles. Things are complicated enough
already.)
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You can read more hilarious jazz-related short stories at www.billanschell.com/stories
